Looking at my previous blog posts makes me feel inspired.
I love the fact I write about positivity and uplifting people up, I love my nature as a person to be kind to people and to let things go over my head. I label myself as naive and that’s fine, but I’m genuinely a good hearted person.
In person ‘I’m not a confident speaker’, it’s 4am in the morning as I’m self-reflecting and I realise the more I keep saying I’m not a confident speaker the less of a confident speaker I will become, because the law of attraction does exist and I write so passionately about this on my blog, so why am I not practicing what I’m preaching!
Why am I so scared to openly express myself physically and openly but not afraid to express my thoughts on this blog?
Only one of my friends actually know that I host a blog and even with talking about my blog for the first time to someone in my circle, I felt anxiety rushing through me in case they thought it was stupid, which they didn’t.
We’re always so critical of ourselves and I want to break that.
I am a confident speaker I know what I’m talking about on paper, so why can’t I openly talk about things that I’m passionate about verbally?
I find when I go to university I’m quiet, I’m naturally a very shy person and overly polite to people.
I have one good friend that I discuss things with, but when I speak to my mom who knows every aspect about me, I blow her ears off about the course, about lessons I’m learning my ideas and what I’m going to write about in my essay, and she doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about and doesn’t have a response to what I’m saying half the time.
My friend that I’ve known since October has already picked up a lot about me which I’m shocked about because I am naturally a shy person so I feel as if I appear to be closed down, but she’s read me and says what I’m thinking majority of the time and is also into spirituality.
We’re similar in a lot of ways and I do feel comfortable expressing myself 1 to 1 to her outside the classroom, but what she’s excellent at is verbally expressing herself in class, not caring what other people think or whether people understand her perspective, which I admire.
I thought when I began writing this self reflection post it was going to be sad, but I’m actually feeling empowered and motivated right now
The more I speak openly about things the better and more confident I will become about expressing myself, and I shouldn’t have to be afraid of what others think and afraid that I’m not making sense because life is a huge learning curve.
I look back to the times before I had my son, and I was full of fire, I confidently expressed myself I didn’t care what anybody thought and I was headstrong.
I have to honestly admit I was convinced I knew everything, I thought I was mature for my age which I was but in a lot of ways I had a lot of growing up to do and also bad qualities I needed to get rid of.
Motherhood has made me strong in some aspects, but I think in other ways it’s softened me which isn’t a bad thing because I’ve became a more emotionally aware person because of my own life experience as a mother.
Because of the fight I have inside me about my own son and the constant insecure thoughts ‘am I doing a good job’, ‘am I doing enough’ followed with overthinking thoughts about his future and actually knowing I have no control over bad things necessarily happening when he’s older (e.g. negative life experiences from peers) has made my reality scary although I know deep down it’s just the voice in my mind exaggerating a lot of things causing doubt.
I have turned into a control freak in many ways. I’d rather sit there and be quiet, not express myself because I’m comfortable in that spot, I’m controlling the situation in a way because I’m choosing to not go out of my comfort zone because I know if I express myself in that moment and someone tries to challenge me, it will make me uncomfortable.
Im more comfortable sitting on the back shelf rather than being confident and expressing myself openly, no matter how uncomfortable I am, and my friend says to me all the time: ‘Comfort does not enable growth’ and this is so true.
I’m hoping this year I will get better at verbally speaking out. I’m a very introverted person, and I love to have discussions 1 to 1 rather than in a group. I will get better at this and become more confident in myself.
Hopefully I will bloom this year into a better and confident person, an evolved Louise from previous years, with better qualities.
Does anyone else feel like 2018 is going to be positive? Maybe it’s because it’s still January and I’m being cliche, or maybe it’s the 8.. who knows lol
I hope you have a lovely day who ever may be reading this
It’s always positive to self-reflect 🙂